Oh... You're Gay, Dawg?

Earlier today there was a small discussion about women and their whining and/or complaining being the reason why a follower [on twitter] corroborated that he refused to be with a woman.  I then countered his statement stating that I knew of men who possessed the same behaviors of those he expressed as purely of the female species.  The conversation lasted a few more tweets as the follower expressed that he too has been with women so he was speaking from experience.  I too have dabbled in the likes of the female species before venturing off to the male domain and another follower wanted me to share this.  I thought it was too much to get into on twitter, so I decided to blog about it.

Here we go...

In the last 90s, "gay" was discussed but it wasn't as openly discussed as it is nowadays.  I personally didn't know of any gay people, but I did know that gay was wrong and it was not of God; or so that is what I had been taught to believe.  But when I was in middle school, I found myself very fond of a guy [we'll call him Freddy] but I didn't understand what was going on.  It was more of a "best friend" vibe I was giving off.  You know that one guy in middle school who has the beard, goatee, and deep voice -- that was Freddy.  Like I always wanted to be around him.  Eating lunch together, always picking him on my team, altering my schedule so that we took some of the same classes together... but again, this was not gay to me.  It was just me wanting Freddy to be my "best friend".  Anywho, I was soon over that phase when I got to high school.  I went to private elementary and middle schools, so after practically begging my mother to allow me to enroll in the local public high school, I was open to a whole new world.  It was your typical urban high school, but I wasn't used to it at all.  So it was definitely a shocker for me, but I learned to adapt quickly. 

Throughout high school, I had "feelings" for guys but I submerged them all.  I continued dating girls, I played sports, I was somewhat of a bully and hung with all the jocks.  My little crew were known for eating pussy.  That was our thing.   It all started because we wanted to see what these girl's privates looked like and we would meet up and discuss like some mobsters.  Catching up with the fellas after football and baseball practice to watch a flick that someone stole from their pops or one of the many that circulated the halls at school.  Those were the days.  Anywho, so throughout high school, I was never approached about my sexuality or what my preference was when it came to sex.  Everyone assumed I was nasty because of the crew I ran with and all we did was have sex with girls and watch porn all day. 

[Oh, by this time I knew I was gay.  I figured it all out the beginning of my senior year but still never acted on these feelings with a guy.]

Then came college. Now, my college was small... very small.  We held about 2000 students [in total] and the ratio of women to men was nearly 23:1 [23 women for every guy].  I made friends quickly.  Still friends with a few.  We gay bashed, threw water balloons at the gays, and even shot them with water guns.  It was all in fun though, we never meant any harm... just something to do.  I had a few girlfriends my freshman and sophomore year.  I dated one of my then-best friend's homegirl, even a stripper that me and my then-best friend would flip [have sex with at the same time].  My then-best friend knows now, but he was the start of my voyeuristic behavior.  I would find more enjoyment in watching him fuck her than I would actually having sex with her myself.  It was a strange feeling at first, but with time it all began to make sense.  So sophomore year rolls around and here came the new batch of freshman.  They were a flamboyant bunch but I knew that I had to maintain.  I had been doing good.

Well... not long after midterms, I was approached by this guy who sat next to me on the couch of the lobby area in my dorm.  He sat RIGHT next to me and asked me about the [football] game.  Trying to make small talk, I later found out that he came to talk to me for his friend who came to feel me out to see if I were gay or not.  I was told that he told him [the friend] that I wasn't gay but dude still wanted to try me anyway.  Now, this part is a blur because I don't remember how he ended up in my dorm do remember my dick in his mouth.  So my sophomore year was the first time I got my dick sucked by a guy, fucked a guy, and really grasped the concept that "you're gay, dawg".  I was literally living a double life on campus and at home.  19 years old and wilding out. 
room or how it even came to play but I

My senior year of college is when I was like "fuck it" though.  I didn't care who knew I was gay then.  Rumors spread and I heard the laughing and giggles, but NO ONE, not ONE person every approached me and asked "are you gay?"  I guess it was just something understood.  I'll never forget coming downstairs and hearing this girl say, "he waited til senior year to come out."  I just laughed and kept walking.  She wanted me freshman year. LOL 

Now, in my late twenties and finally in a happy place with both my spiritual and sexuality, I think it's a understanding I have with people.  If you ask me, I'll tell you.  People always ask me, "does your mama know?" and I tell them "no, but if she does it's never discussed."    But that's a[whole]nother story.